Accents for Every Occasion

Ah, the accent. Everyone's got one. I've apparently got a slight "twang" to the occasional word and it's painfully obvious I'm from "somewhere near Kansas" (or so I've been told by old college room mates and friends from California--pshaw!) Meanwhile, Helen Mirren speaks and is more convincing as the Queen of England than the Queen herself, and Chris Hemsworth does an interview and the world collectively swoons. Speak to someone from Boston and you don't know if they're asking you to get the car keys or the khakis.
As Book Woman, I've read many a book where accents were implied through the written word, and I've also added what I believed to be fitting accents to characters whose way of speech was not specified. (Hint--every villain is British, even if they're from Texas.) It makes reading so much more entertaining!
Accents are endless, and it's hard to acquire a new one without permanently immersing yourself in a new geographical location with a different way of pronunciation. (I've day dreamed about moving to London so I can talk like J.K. Rowling.)
But little do people know, I've perfected what I like to call Accents for Occasions. 
Perhaps you remember the Friends episode where Phoebe meets Mike's pretentious and rich parents for the first time and automatically begins to nervously talk in a snobbish accent. That is a fabulous episode, but that's not technically the accent for the occasion I'm talking about. No, I'm talking about speaking to your pets!
Everyone has an uncontrollable pet voice, but for me, and I presume many pet owners, I have multiple accents in which I converse with my two doggies for different scenarios and occasions. If you too would like to master different dog accents, please read along.

By Dean Russo

1. The "When You Get Home" Accent
Find your highest soprano voice without being too screechy. Sing-speak everything to your pet as they wiggle in happiness to see you. Perhaps just sing a high "Ohhhhhhh" continuously like an opera singer.
"PUH-peeeees, Ahm HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-ohme

2. The "Waking Dog Up" Accent
Also known as the Mouse Voice, this accent is quiet and gentle. You must crouch down to your pet for it to be correct. Speak quietly, yet excruciatingly high pitched, moving only your pursed lips to speak or sing your pet's name repeatedly until they open their eyeballs and look at you in annoyance. "Boh-bohhh. Time to wake UUUh-up."

3. The Command Accent 
No opera voice this time. Furrow your brow and make eye contact with your dog. Don't let them look away! While pointing, say each word with extreme enunciation. Form every vowel fully with your mouth. Pretend there is a period between each. word. Say her name in such a completely different and stern tone than usual that she cocks her head and stares at you blankly. Become frustrated for the correct form of the accent to emerge.
"DEL-tuh. GO. PAW-TEE... GOH."

by Michele Nicolette

4. The "Snap Chat Video" Accent

Find your inner screechy soprano. There is a fine line between this accent and the "When You Get Home"Accent, and it all has to do with the screechiness and the opera-ness of your voice. Go for more screechy, less opera for this one. Don't draw out your words as long here, because you only have a ten second video window. For God's sake, enunciate your Ts at the end of words--it's crucial. Start the video at the same moment you speak your dog's name. When he turns his head, screech speak a comment on the dog's cuteness. Feel free to add a hint of whiney.
"WHY-EE AHRE YOU SO CUH-YOO-TAH!?"

5. The "You're a Dumb Dog" Accent 
Basically, speak in a deep and drawn out voice, but say mean or stupid things to your dogs while they wag their tails, jump around, and look at you like you are the most wonderful creature on the planet.
"AH-roooooooooooooo. Hoo a DUM DUM to-DAY?! Is YOOH a DUM BUM BUM? AHW ROO ROO ROO."

6. The "Talk To Dog Like Human" Accent
Pretty self explanatory, right? When you have no human contact for hours on end, simply talk to your dog like a human being. If you normally speak like a cowboy or a valley girl then change nothing.
"That couple on House Hunters DEFINITELY should have gone with house number two. Don't you agree, Delta? All they had to do was knock out one wall to make their living area open concept, plus it had a huge backyard and garage! Idiots."

If your dog starts speaking back to you, take a video of it and you'll probably become a billionaire, or maybe you should get out of the house for a little bit and make some friends.

What other "accents" do you find yourself speaking to your dogs with?

Book Woman out. On to write a book on the art of dog whispering.