Gluten Free Oatmeal Strikes Again

Dear person reading,

This was my angry face after my morning,

and it's all because of oatmeal and a book. Let me explain.

Instant oatmeal is supposed to be relatively easy. I know that, and I've made it plenty of times in my life to know how it's done. HOWEVER, I spent an ungodly amount of time this morning attempting to make oatmeal correctly, and it's 10:20 and I barely just finished eating breakfast. That's what I get for trying to eat healthy--I should have just made bacon like my heart wanted to!

Anyways, my oatmeal fiasco is a direct result of me being a 21st century women who doesn't know how to do things without technology. You see, we don't have a microwave at the moment. We bought our house, and it didn't come with one, so we ordered one (a beautiful, gorgeous, silky, black stainless one that will melt my heart when it gets here!) thinking it would be here in plenty of time for us to use in the new home. Well, we've been waiting weeks now for our microwave, and have been told it's sitting on a ship just outside the port! It's so close! But apparently, LG is in some lawsuit and they can't port in the US yet (????). I don't know, but regardless, we don't have a microwave AND I"M SUFFERING.

Also, my necessary gluten free lifestyle contributed to the oatmeal issues.You see, sometimes I forget that not everything in the house is gluten free, and sometimes I forget that things that SHOULD be gluten free, aren't, because of ridiculous "May contain gluten/processed on wheat processing equipment" statements on the packages--I'm talking about you, oatmeal.

So I woke up, and reached into the cabinet for some instant oatmeal, and since we didn't have a microwave, I decided to use the next best invention after microwaves: the Keurig! The oatmeal to water ratio was PRISTINE on this first batch, and the oats became the perfect gooey consistency that I was going for. Then I realized this oatmeal had strawberries in it, and I didn't have gluten free strawberry oatmeal, I only had bland unflavored gluten free oatmeal. I'd grabbed the wrong pack and had to dump perfectly perfect oatmeal away because it MAY contain gluten! GAH! My gluten intolerant intestine laughed maniacally at me as I did so.

Then on the next batch (I grabbed the right package this time), I pushed the Keurig hot water button and when I had the desired amount of water in my oatmeal bowl, I let off the button AS THE KEURIG DIRECTIONS SAY. The Keurig then proceeded to dump an extra ounce or maybe a gallon of water in the bowl, ruining the water to oatmeal ratio.

Second try:
You can't even see the oatmeal! 

I tried to hold my spoon on the edge of the bowl to keep the oats in while I poured the excess water into the sink, but then it did that infuriating thing where the water defied gravity and just ran down the edge of the bowl ALL OVER THE COUNTER. I  wiped up the brownish oat water (*bleck*) and tried a bite thinking I could suffer through, but it was not going to happen. I mean, oatmeal in its mushiness is hard to choke down sometimes even when it's made right.

Finally, I grabbed the correct oatmeal package, and pushed the water button just long enough for the Keurig to dump its extra water in my bowl to get the correct amount, and I ate my oatmeal. And guess what--it wasn't even that good. I think it was kind of old and a little stale. Plus, mushy. Why did I ever think to eat this in the first place? I made some eggs after forcing myself to finish the bowl out of respect for my own hard work this morning.

This was also about the time that I realized I left my current book at the middle school I subbed at last week. Horrible morning! I blame oatmeal for everything. I've gotta send some emails about missing books now, and who knows how many tries that'll take if it's anything like oatmeal!

Book Woman the Military Wife

Hey there, humans. My weekend and beginning of the week has been crazy! In a good way, but still crazy nonetheless, and my schedule I set out for myself for writing and posting on here has already gone out the window. I should have known. Oh well!
Despite my super busy few days of moving houses (Clarification: moving my STUFF and myself from house to house, not physically moving houses), I kept thinking of a comment made to me when I went to donate my books to the library.
I have oft lay in bed for my 1 to 2 hour pre-sleep session of stress-thinking and replayed the following moment in my brain.

I hand the books in small piles to the woman. She proceeds to take the stacks and rifle through them quickly. 
She asks, "Have you lived here long?" 
"Just over a year. I moved here after I got married two summers ago."
She smiled and said matter of factly, "You struck me as a military wife."

My face all the time after
 I say"Yeah," in a conversation.

At the time, I simply smiled sheepishly and said, "Yeah," with a weird breathless laugh because that's how I respond to everything in life, but now I wonder, what did she mean?!

Of course, I am married to an Airman, so her assumption was correct, but hey, it's 2016, and maybe I'm supposed to be offended by her assumption?

What if, in fact, I am the one in the military and I just so happened to get orders here immediately after I was married? How dare she assume that I am unfit to serve. (Except I am--Celiac Disease is no joke!)
What if I moved here because I like to live life on the edge and heard about the giant earthquake and tsunami that's supposed to wipe out the Pacific Northwest any day now?  (This is the opposite of the truth. I am terrified every day.)

Also, what about my appearance tipped her off?
I didn't wear any makeup that day--is there some stereotype about bland faced military spouses that I don't know about?

I don't really know what exactly made her make that comment. Perhaps it was a lucky guess. And obviously it doesn't really matter. It was neither insult nor compliment, but I can't help thinking that it was kind of weird? That's gotta be why it stuck with me for many days now.
Or maybe that means I'M the weird one. <--That seems like the more likely explanation here.

Anyways, on another note, during our move, the Uhaul leaked (it rained all morning while we moved and has hardly rained since. Of course.) in one corner and of course, it was my book box corner!
I was horrified when I saw the bottom of my book boxes sopping wet, and immediately opened them up to perform emergency surgery. By the grace of God, the bottom books were only slightly damp.
The cardboard sopped up most of the water before it seeped through all the way! Hallelujah! With that potentially catastrophic moment passed, my heart quit racing and I unloaded 10 billion boxes and pieces of furniture. How the heck did we get so much stuff in such a short time?

As I am indeed a military wife, I think next time we move we'll have the Air Force do it for us!

Confessions of a Book Dragon

As we've been packing up our rental to move to the new house we are buying (yeehaw!), I've been forced to go through many of my possessions and decide which ones go in the Stuff I Must Continue to Hoard box, and the Stuff I've Hoarded Long Enough and Gotta Get Rid of Before I get Attached to It Again box. I've done pretty well, other than the boxes of trinkets and notebooks that I found in a closet that were never unpacked or used since the last time we moved. It would make sense to get rid of these, but what if there is something inside that's important? What if I wrote something genius on the corner of one of those pages?!
I'll just keep them and go through them when we unpack in the new house, I reasoned. 
So I taped the boxes up to stack in the keep corner without looking through them, laughing at the hilarity of me ever unpacking them. Ever. My grandkids can unpack them after I'm dead.

Anyways...when I got to my book shelf and book piles, my inner dragon emerged and I couldn't get rid of ANYTHING. As I sat in the middle of the books scattered around me, I felt the need to lay across them and possess them eternally, and kill any hobbits who tried to steal them from my lair!
How dare anyone expect me to part with a children's book series that I will never read again and didn't even like that much.

How could I ever get rid of the book that gave me nightmares for a week and I couldn't touch while I read because it was too scary?! And who would have the AUDACITY to suggest I get rid of my 6 inch thick "Complete Works of Shakespeare" that I carried everywhere freshman year but never opened because it was easier to read internet versions?!
After sitting in distress in my book piles for a while, I finally filled one of my 10 billion cloth tote bags that I will keep forever with those chosen for sacrifice.
Then I set the bag by the recliner for a week because I kept having second thoughts. What if some day in the next 10 years I get a hankering to read that terrifying, life destroying novel again? 

This beast was hard to part with.
I opened it approximately 2 times ever.

After I stubbed my toe on the bag of books a few times, I reasoned that it was time. So I lugged the bag to the car, and drove to the library for donation. I literally thought about turning around several times along the way, because what if they think I'm weird based on the books that I once read? What if they don't respect the books?! 
But I didn't turn around, because a library is the best home my books could ever find, and the sun had set on my relationship with these beautiful rectangles of words.

The library was grateful for the books that my dragon hands forked over, and my cold dragon heart warmed a little for that.

You'll be missed, little bookies, I whispered as I looked back towards the entrance to the library. Then I launched into the sky, my scaly belly reflecting the sun as I extended my giant wings and flew in a dramatic loop fit for a movie.

Then I remembered that I drove to the library and begrudgingly stuffed my butt into the car to drive home on I-5. I still had to pack the kitchen, and who knows how long sorting that endless pit will take.

Accents for Every Occasion

Ah, the accent. Everyone's got one. I've apparently got a slight "twang" to the occasional word and it's painfully obvious I'm from "somewhere near Kansas" (or so I've been told by old college room mates and friends from California--pshaw!) Meanwhile, Helen Mirren speaks and is more convincing as the Queen of England than the Queen herself, and Chris Hemsworth does an interview and the world collectively swoons. Speak to someone from Boston and you don't know if they're asking you to get the car keys or the khakis.
As Book Woman, I've read many a book where accents were implied through the written word, and I've also added what I believed to be fitting accents to characters whose way of speech was not specified. (Hint--every villain is British, even if they're from Texas.) It makes reading so much more entertaining!
Accents are endless, and it's hard to acquire a new one without permanently immersing yourself in a new geographical location with a different way of pronunciation. (I've day dreamed about moving to London so I can talk like J.K. Rowling.)
But little do people know, I've perfected what I like to call Accents for Occasions. 
Perhaps you remember the Friends episode where Phoebe meets Mike's pretentious and rich parents for the first time and automatically begins to nervously talk in a snobbish accent. That is a fabulous episode, but that's not technically the accent for the occasion I'm talking about. No, I'm talking about speaking to your pets!
Everyone has an uncontrollable pet voice, but for me, and I presume many pet owners, I have multiple accents in which I converse with my two doggies for different scenarios and occasions. If you too would like to master different dog accents, please read along.

By Dean Russo

1. The "When You Get Home" Accent
Find your highest soprano voice without being too screechy. Sing-speak everything to your pet as they wiggle in happiness to see you. Perhaps just sing a high "Ohhhhhhh" continuously like an opera singer.
"PUH-peeeees, Ahm HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-ohme

2. The "Waking Dog Up" Accent
Also known as the Mouse Voice, this accent is quiet and gentle. You must crouch down to your pet for it to be correct. Speak quietly, yet excruciatingly high pitched, moving only your pursed lips to speak or sing your pet's name repeatedly until they open their eyeballs and look at you in annoyance. "Boh-bohhh. Time to wake UUUh-up."

3. The Command Accent 
No opera voice this time. Furrow your brow and make eye contact with your dog. Don't let them look away! While pointing, say each word with extreme enunciation. Form every vowel fully with your mouth. Pretend there is a period between each. word. Say her name in such a completely different and stern tone than usual that she cocks her head and stares at you blankly. Become frustrated for the correct form of the accent to emerge.
"DEL-tuh. GO. PAW-TEE... GOH."

by Michele Nicolette

4. The "Snap Chat Video" Accent

Find your inner screechy soprano. There is a fine line between this accent and the "When You Get Home"Accent, and it all has to do with the screechiness and the opera-ness of your voice. Go for more screechy, less opera for this one. Don't draw out your words as long here, because you only have a ten second video window. For God's sake, enunciate your Ts at the end of words--it's crucial. Start the video at the same moment you speak your dog's name. When he turns his head, screech speak a comment on the dog's cuteness. Feel free to add a hint of whiney.
"WHY-EE AHRE YOU SO CUH-YOO-TAH!?"

5. The "You're a Dumb Dog" Accent 
Basically, speak in a deep and drawn out voice, but say mean or stupid things to your dogs while they wag their tails, jump around, and look at you like you are the most wonderful creature on the planet.
"AH-roooooooooooooo. Hoo a DUM DUM to-DAY?! Is YOOH a DUM BUM BUM? AHW ROO ROO ROO."

6. The "Talk To Dog Like Human" Accent
Pretty self explanatory, right? When you have no human contact for hours on end, simply talk to your dog like a human being. If you normally speak like a cowboy or a valley girl then change nothing.
"That couple on House Hunters DEFINITELY should have gone with house number two. Don't you agree, Delta? All they had to do was knock out one wall to make their living area open concept, plus it had a huge backyard and garage! Idiots."

If your dog starts speaking back to you, take a video of it and you'll probably become a billionaire, or maybe you should get out of the house for a little bit and make some friends.

What other "accents" do you find yourself speaking to your dogs with?

Book Woman out. On to write a book on the art of dog whispering.

Welcome to My Library

Hey there, Book Woman here. Or should I say, Super Book Woman! That's right, I'm super. Some would even say that I'm a legitimate superhero, but that's very subjective and up for debate. Aren't we all super in some way(s), to some people(s)? I think so, and I think we should celebrate our super-ness with names to match. Therefore, my name is Book Woman. Welcome to my ever growing library.

When perusing the shelves in here, you would most definitely notice some very worn out books that grace the most easily obtainable shelves. You know, the shelf right at eye-level, where your arm barely has to do any work to reach the book, pull it down, and peruse it for the best parts because you've read it one million times already. For those literature inclined people of the world like me, there are always a few books that seem to define them, stick with them, and never leave them. So much so that everyone knows their relationship with these books like it's posted in their relationship status on Facebook, and every time any post or ad pertaining to that book graces the face of the internet 27 people share it to their wall or tag them in it. It's beautiful!

On my shelf, you might notice worn out titles like,

• Dog on the Couch: How to Deal After You've Let Your Pets Start Calling the Shots
•  Gluten is Delicious, But Wants To Kill You: Life After Celiac Disease
• Air Force Wifing for Dummies

 and duh, the entire Harry Potter Series. These books grace my life every single day in some way, and I am more super because of it!

I'll say it again: my library is ever growing with short stories and novels and biographies and travel books and blurbs from magazines and notes written on napkins. These stories and blurbs define me, and make me who I am. As Super Book Woman, they help me conquer evil in the world! If you'd like, I'll share my favorite books about food, family, pets and this crazy life with you and eventually you'll be part of my library too.

Welcome to Book Woman Blog!